Monday, September 24, 2018


September 1, 2018 by · Leave a Comment 

Don't Do What I Did

My husband bought an extravagant new car with a keyless entry fob. He loved having people notice the fob if they couldn’t ogle the car.

We’re big boaters, so I went in a drawer and dug out one of those keychain-bobbing things from a boat show. He told me that I was nuts if I thought he was going to clip a yellow piece of spongy foam to his upscale key fob.

We were having a fun summer on the boat, and as there are only so many things to worry about, I forgot all about wanting my husband to use the bobbing keychain. One Saturday we set out with another couple for a day aboard our 27-foot boat. We cruised for a couple of hours, had a nice lunch at a restaurant with a dock, and then set out for a nearby cove to raft up with a group. We had a lot of fun and the time flew by! When it came to be around 6:30 pm, one of the couples suggested we all head out to another dockside restaurant for dinner.

After dinner, my husband and I were talking to another couple from the raft up before leaving on our boat. Standing alongside the edge of the dock, admiring a 50-foot boat whose owner was probably also having dinner inside, I got a funny feeling. Right before it happened, I knew what my husband was about to do — he was casually removing his boat keys from his pocket. Yes, I’m embarrassed to say, he wanted the people we were chatting with to notice that we drove an expensive car. Maybe in his mind they’d even leap to the conclusion that we chose such an impressive car over a really big boat? I don’t know exactly what else was in his head. Even after 14 years of marriage this bragging streak makes me, yes, nuts.

The people didn’t notice the boat keys/car fob right away, and so my husband juggled them as if it was a nervous habit instead of a boastful play for attention. I’m sure you know what happened  — the keys went up a bit too high and came down a bit too far from the man who tossed them. They skittered over the side of the dock and disappeared, despite my spouse’s lunging grab.

So now he’s lying at the edge of the dock, trying to reach down into the water in front of the big boat’s swim platform, feeling for his keys and fob. (Did I mention it was high tide?) One man offers to hold his ankles so he can lean further into the water and I scurry back to our boat to get the net we use to scoop out floating trash. The restaurant manager joins in and tries to help, people on the dock shine their cellphones into the water, and plenty of suggestions are made about contraptions that can fish for keys that are more than 20 feet straight down. Unless, of course, they drifted before settling at the bottom.

Nothing worked. We called for a tow to bring our keyless boat (and us) back to the dock and our friends drove us home. At the next low tide, the restaurant manager had someone swim down and locate the keys/fob for us (the fob didn’t work and had to be replaced at a ridiculous price). Since this column is called “Don’t Do What I Did,” you could not marry someone who likes to show off, or you could save more than $500.00 and just clip a yellow piece of spongy foam to your fancy car keys before you go boating.

By Anonymous

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